Oh no! The toilet is clogged again!
Let me just leave my notes here
Don't fart in an Apple Store They don't have Windows
Overheard at Halloween party: What are you? A harp. You’re too small to be a harp. You calling me a lyre?
Bad puns is how eye roll
A duck walks I to a drug store. Says "Give me some chapstick. Put it on my bill."
Low Key Savage
Guy goes to the psychiatrist and says "Doc I think about Tom Jones songs all day long. Is that weird?". The doctor says "It's not unusual."
I handed my kid A glue stick instead of A chap stick, she still isn't talking to me.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity and I just can’t put it down!
A French Cheese factory exploded and nothing was left but de Brie.
I just found out I'm colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.
How does Salvador Dali start his mornings? With a bowl of "Surreal"
we did it in the elevator, it felt wrong on so many levels
Never date a tennis player, love means nothing to them.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.
I was complimented on my driving today Someone left a note on my car that said "Parking Fine" so that was nice.
I've decided to sell my vacuum. It's just been collecting dust...
It’s hard to explain jokes to kleptomaniacs. They always take things literally.
I've lost my mood ring. Not sure how I feel about that.
I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.
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